*I am sorry this is so long.*

Hey, kids. I'm done with College: Year One. I'm done with the 'figure out how to deal with college' thing, but I still don't know how to deal with college. Is there a guidebook or something? I've heard that College is where you're supposed to find yourself*, or whatever. College: Year One was a lot of things, but mostly it was hard. I mean, there was a lot of paper-writing, and stupid assignments, and projects that sucked, but it was hard in the life-is-just-hard-sometimes way. 

Moving out was hard, because it meant leaving everything I knew back in Cedar Hills, but it was exciting, because it meant leaving everything I knew back in Cedar Hills. I don't know about you, but learning how to cope with roommates is just a hard thing, especially when said roommates don't even like you that much and keep eating your good food.** And yeah, the whole roommate thing gave me panic attacks before I moved, and sometimes still does, but roommates are just a thing that has to happen. Meeting new people, yeah? Learning how to cope with people who aren't on the same schedule as you, yeah? Walking in on a make-out in your kitchen, YEAH??? (This is a thing that has actually happened.) But here's the thing, sometimes people are just going to suck in general, and you have to learn to live with it. And I was expecting to meet people like this. And I did. I wasn't expecting the nostalgia to creep in, when I didn't even have a very good high school life, and I definitely wasn't expecting to want to go back to a year ago, because I actually definitely hated high school for most of the years I was there.***

This isn't about high school though, this is about College: Year One.

College is hard, and it kind of makes you want to vomit when your high school (fr)enemy number one ends up in your science class when you thought you'd never see her again after the first college semester that was actually some sort of revisited nightmare continuation of high school's junior year. And even though she still won't let you be, it's okay, life keeps moving and people keep changing. I keep changing. Sometimes I break down and lose it, but don't we all have our moments?

Yeah, College: Year One was really hard, but when there's hard things, there's always the small things that make hard things bearable, like really good novels, pop-tarts, the new Keaton Henson album, and poetry slams.

For instance, the girl I never thought would be more than a cousin became one of my very best friends in the entire universe, even though we are so different I never thought we'd do anything together ever. It turns out we both like watching old Boy Meets World reruns, and singing songs from when we idolized Hilary Duff in the fourth grade. (Seriously though, who didn't want to be her?) We're really good at singing in the car, and we're both really bad at goodbyes.

And then the boy who's the one person I need to keep me sane is the same boy that high school handed me. College made it better. I learned that it's okay if you freak-out at 1:30 am because of life, the universe and everything, because you have a best friend you can call in the middle of the night, and he's willing to talk with you on the phone whenever you want. And here's the thing: it's okay if everyone seems to be leaving you in the dust, while they continue on with their lives looking carefree and stuff, because you still have your BFF who you eat fries with at lunch. And when he leaves on a mission, and you can't actually call him with your anxious thoughts and restless nature, it's okay because at least there's letters on Tuesday.

It's okay if the only thing that even makes sense in your life is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and you watch it on repeat, because at least something makes sense. (Which also goes for 80s movies.)

So here's to College: Year One, because I learned a valuable lesson—people who aren't going to be there for you don't deserve to be in your life. And I learned it the hard way. It makes sense that you have to get hurt to know what love is, and yeah, everything is the worst when someone you thought you knew turns all the rest of your friends against you. But it's okay, because the thing is this: I never have to see them again, because I can choose that. And I am choosing that.

I'm getting two new roommates this week, and I still don't know how I feel about that. Last year, I decided to stay in Orem and I signed my soul to a full 12 months. If I could go back in time, I think I'd undo it. But since I did something I can't change, I'll have to make the best of it, because there are beautiful things in life, if I only look for them.

(And I realize that this isn't at all what my usual blog posts are like, but it just kind of fit today, you know?)

Three more months.

Forever Yours,

Rachel.

*more on this later.

**due to this, I have a very good hidden stash of food in my bedroom.

***i will not elaborate on this, don't ask. high school was lame for (almost) the whole time i was there. hell probably has florescent lighting and tile floors.