Today I Feel Nostalgic...

I'm 17 for a moment, then it all disappeared. Poof! Gone. 

Now I'm 18, for real.

A birthday cake with 18 candles, one that kept re-lighting itself, and dripping blue wax onto the perfectly ivory frosting. A few envelopes with wishes and curly signatures. Songs of joy and well-wishing, songs of smelling like a princess because my little brothers think they are the funniest people alive. Sugar rushes and falling to the ground, laughing at the bottom of the stairs just because we can. Sitting on the floor for an hour just thinking, because it's my birthday and I wanted too. Imagining life as it is, and as it will be.

And to think I'm officially 18 and I've never been kissed.

Dear Whomever You Might Be,

Sometimes I write letters to people I know.

Only I never send them, on account of they will probably get mad, or cry, or become anxious and stop talking to me. Or they will just leave me, and that's the worst choice of them all.

I guess writing those letters gets things off my mind, keeps me sane, if you will.

Because no one will ever read them, no one will know what they say, no one will read the much too long sentences and see the spelling errors that I can't fix because I wrote in pen. And no one will leave me because I wrote him/her a letter.

And if anyone sees them? Well, they won't because I keep that notebook hidden and no one will ever think of where to find it. And if by chance someone did find it, I don't write the names of whomever I'm writing to. So it wouldn't really matter anyway, I guess. 

I don't even know why I'm posting this. 

My life is a mess.

Forever Yours,

Rachel

I Am Alive.

And I've been playing back memories

from long ago 

before I knew what would come of 

this. 

I'm singing songs 

in my head that remind me of 

him 

and signs on my door that are 

blue and green 

make sense only 

to me.

The words you said 

run through 

my mind and I can't think 

at all.

Get out of my head, 

your hugs make me swoon, 

and I'm not sure where I'm going with my 

words. 

My thoughts are a 

mess, 

my head is bursting,

the door is shut tight, 

and my sentences are 

long.

Remembering is hard, 

it makes tears fill 

my eyes, 

and my heart feels like it should 

burst.

Yet your face 
appears in my 
mind, 
and I am lost in your 
eyes, 
memories eating me 
alive.

I know I am alive.