I Am Alive.

And I've been playing back memories

from long ago 

before I knew what would come of 

this. 

I'm singing songs 

in my head that remind me of 

him 

and signs on my door that are 

blue and green 

make sense only 

to me.

The words you said 

run through 

my mind and I can't think 

at all.

Get out of my head, 

your hugs make me swoon, 

and I'm not sure where I'm going with my 

words. 

My thoughts are a 

mess, 

my head is bursting,

the door is shut tight, 

and my sentences are 

long.

Remembering is hard, 

it makes tears fill 

my eyes, 

and my heart feels like it should 

burst.

Yet your face 
appears in my 
mind, 
and I am lost in your 
eyes, 
memories eating me 
alive.

I know I am alive.

Of Cell Phones and Trash Cans

The other night I had a dream.

I was in a ballroom, in a prom dress, my best friends surrounding me.We were laughing and talking, having a wonderful time. Then my phone vibrated.That boy, whom I was smitten with for the longest time, had texted me.The text said 3 words.

"I like you."

I looked at it, and threw my phone in the trash.I walked away.

And it felt good. 

It made me realize it is time to move on.

I think I moved on a while ago and didn't notice until now.

Seeing him doesn't give me the cliche butterflies any longer.

His name doesn't cause me to grin ridiculously.

He & I are just friends.

And I finally realized that's all we were meant to be.

For once, I'm alright with that.

Untitled

I traded in my social life for a paycheck.

I've no idea how I feel about that.

All I know is I have a desk, a notebook, a computer, a list of things to do, and a few crazy ideas.

Last night, it was late. I was up thinking about life, and writing in my journal. Then I had a thought. It went as follows : "What if I wrote a letter to [insert boy's name here] confessing all my secret feelings for him and posted it on my blog? Then sent him a link via text message?" That thought just proves my theory that I am crazy. Even that was a crazy thought for midnight. Basically, I have no social life at the moment. Can you tell?

I feel the need for a snowcone extravaganza.  Soon.

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright...

I'm not worried about that project that's due in 3 months for AP art.

 

I'm not worried about the stupid things I said because I'm awkward, especially around him.

 

It's alright that I'm ready to go to sleep on the first Saturday of summer, and it's not even 10 o'clock yet.

 

I'm not worried about what people think of how I look. Right now I'm sitting at home in sweats with wet hair. It's alright.

 

I'm not worried about what my friends are out doing.

 

I'm not concerned with what he thinks of me.

 

I'm not thinking about how I should've confessed my love to him in his yearbook. Because I almost did, then I freaked out at the last minute and didn't. But that's another story. (Actually, I am thinking about it a little...)

 

For once in long time, I'm content. 

Also, it's Summer. Go eat a snowcone or something. 

Letters.

Dear School,

Go away. 

No one really wants you here anymore.

No, Really.

Love, 

The girl who's brain has malfunctioned and stopped working.

Dear Orange Leaf,

You have trapped me with your frozen yogurty goodness.

Thank you for making me spend all my money. Just kidding.

Stop being so delicious.

You make me melt.

Love

The girl who keeps showing up there and will soon be broke

Dear Mother Nature,

Sunshine please?

Love 

The girl who misses the warmth of the sun.

Dear PreCalc,

I quit.

Love

The girl who is going to probably fail the term final.

Dear Boy,

Figure out what you want.

Do something.

Let me know your plans please.

Love,

Me

There we were. 

Sitting in the library.

On the floor, between the bookshelves titled

History & Literature.

Books strewn around us,

Laughing quietly.

Softly talking, 

while scanning books.

The occasional person passing through the isle,

while searching out their own books.

A perfect way to start the day.

Unexpected

It was all unexpected.

What he did was unexpected.

What happened was unexpected.

But really, if you think about it, the majority of life is unexpected.

I don't understand why it happened, or the reasoning behind it. But I'll be fine. People change, they move on.

I realized that I've changed a lot.

An excerpt from my journal:

"I've come along way from who I used to be. If you looked back on me one year ago, you would have seen a painfully shy, insecure, hopeless girl. I'm not the same person I once was. I've fallen hopelessly in love with a boy, (even if he didn't know it.), I've had my heart broken by said boy, and I've grown up. A lot. I use to fantasize my life. Now I live my life. I used to think love was just like the movies. I've been proved wrong. I'm stronger now. Yes, I might still be a bit shy, but it's fine. I am who I am. Now when I look in the mirror, I see a strong girl, who's been pushed to her limits more than once. I see a girl who's moving on from the past. I see a girl who's been lied too. I see a girl who's ready to leave the past behind. I see a girl who's ready, at last, to move on."

That's me. Thanks to my lovely sister for the photography skill.

P.S. to all my lovely followers who commented on my last post, thank you. I love you ladies.

Day 19: That Thing I Never Said

Once upon a time there was a boy, and a girl.
They were great friends.
They made each other laugh, and quoted movies alot.
Pillow fights, and Marcell the Shell.
Pictures, and dancing.
Life was good.
Then one day that girl fell for that boy.
But she never told him.
Days were spent daydreaming.
But she never told him.
She wanted to tell him, oh so bad.
But she was scared.
So she never told him.
And she doesn't know how this story will end.

Why?

I have a lot on my mind.

And I don't know how to let it out.

So here is my thoughts, in quotes and pictures.

And I don't know what to do anymore.

"Do me a favor and don't sugar-coat anything. I want to hear your truth, no matter how raw and blunt it it. I want to to hear your thoughts, un-edited."

Day 15: Dreams of Laundry and a Boy

It's interesting to me that the day to write about your dreams happened to be today.

Because last night I had an interesting dream.

About laundry,

church,

and a boy.

It was strange, yet wonderfully lovely at the same time.

But that's the way all my dreams are.

Strange, and yet lovely.

Odd, isn't it?

Day 13: This Long Week...

This week was a long one.

It started on Sunday, last Sunday:

I went to my cousin's farewell. She's off to Little Rock for a couple years. The afternoon was spent talking about boys, Preference, and more boys with my dear cousin Megan, as we ate brownies, and truffles.

Monday:

I stayed home, and slept all day. Being sick does that to ya.

Tuesday:

Still sick. Watched TV alot, and learned that there is NOTHING good on TV in the daytime. Except Sabrina the Teenage Witch at 930 AM. I love that show

Wednesday:

I went to school.

And curled my hair.

And recieved a compliment from one of my friends.

And it was awkward. Because he's just a friend.

But it's fine.

The afternoon was lovely, as I spent it with a friend, and I went to New Beginnings that evening.

Thursday:

He came over again after school.

And I thought about the Sweethearts dance. And how I really want to go. Really bad.

Friday:

Was the most boring day of my life.

I did nothing.

Unless you count wandering around my house for and hour staring at walls.

No, seriously.

Saturday:

was bowling night. It was fun. Way fun.

And I can't bowl to save my life. But it's fine.

And that was my week.

Day 2: A Love Story

My First Love?

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a boy. He name was Tyler.

We were in kindergarten and we were going to get married.

Because he had the most perfect blue eyes, and really long eyelashes.

And yes, I told him that. And we decided to get married.

My best friend, and his best friend were also going to get married. It was going to be a double wedding. Except it never happend.

But it's fine.

Because we were 5.

Then I moved. The funny part?

He was in my 8th grade science class.

And we were friends again.

Until high school came, and he went to one high school, and I to the other.

The End.

I know I was 5, and I didn't know what love was, but hey, for a 5 year old, who wrote love notes to him all the time, (really I did. They are in a box in my storage room), that was my definition of love. Liking someone for his eyes and planning on marriage.

I have never truly been 'in love'.

But I met this boy, and he is perfect in every way.

We have been friends for a long time, and I never thought anything of it. Until that fateful night he held her hand.

It was movie night, and I had no idea.

I went home after the movie, and cried for 3 days straight.

It was then that I realized I liked him a lot more than a friend.

A Lot.

And I didn't know what to do.

The sad part?

I still like him alot. Maybe it isn't love, I don't know, but it's something.

And I intend to find out.

But until then, I will wait. Again.

Because I have been waiting for a long time.

And I can wait some more.

I Never Told You...

Sometimes, I wish boys would say "Hey, I like you. Let's go on a date." And I would smile and say, "Hey, I like you too. How about Friday?" And he would say, "That sounds great! I'll pick you up at 8."

But in reality, boys don't say that.

In reality, they flirt with you, tease you, and essentially lead you on until you fall for them. Then they turn around and kiss someone else. And then you're left with a broken heart.  And most of the time, they don't even know it. It never crosses their minds, what they have done. They never know, and you are too afraid to say, "Hey you! I liked you. Maybe even loved you. I thought you liked me too. But I guess I was wrong."

Everytime I see You smile,

I fall all over again.

Do You Want To Know Something?

I hate driving.

I love the Harry Potter series.

And in part with that sentence above,

I love British Accents.

I play guitar. Not very well, but I do play it.

My favorite M&Ms are the blue ones.

Drawing is my stress reliever.

I want to be famous one day.

By becoming a Fashion Designer.

I happen to love reading.

Movie nights are the best.

I love my friends.

And how we can play Apples to Apples for 2 and 

a half hours straight. Without getting bored.

I wish he would hold my hand.

I  t h i n k  I  f e l l  i n  l o v e .